I believe that as professionals who work with children with disabilities - educators, therapists, social workers, physicians, and so on - you can make a difference in our lives as parents of children with special needs. You cannot, however, make THE difference. Therein lies the challenge of our partnership.

I want to highlight ten ways in which you can make an important difference.

ONE: You have the opportunity not to be frightened by our anger... to embrace it. to welcome it, and even to invite it on a good day. Obviously, you cannot do it every day.

You have the opportunity not to be intimidated when we blow off steam. You have the opportunity not to personalize these angry negative feelings. The great challenge for you is to give us the opportunity to fall apart once in a while. You may be surprised by how quickly we recover when we are given the opportunity to feel our feelings in the company of experienced and caring professionals.

I have a tender spot in my heart for a particular physician who provided care for my son. Several years ago, my son was hospitalized with complications from a very serious seizure. My husband and I were scared and overwhelmed by all that we did not know or understand.

We were resting in the hallway of the hospital to get a break from the intensity of being with our child who was hooked up to numerous tubes. A group of physicians walked by, stopped at our son's doorway, and began to "conference the case." To my surprise I leaped from my chair and in a very loud voice lectured them on how this (patient) was MY son and a REAL human being.

The physician in charge was very kind and tolerant. He maintained eye contact with me, listened, acknowledged my fear, and then asked if he could accompany me to examine my son. I watched the other physicians in the group maintain their distance from me. However, this particular doctor remained engaged, responsive and accepting. Eventually, I used humor to discuss the particular event. His acceptance of my anger was almost as great a gift as his expert clinical care of my son. He had the great wisdom not to personalize the strong feelings. he understood their origin.

TWO: You have the opportunity to decrease our profound sense of loneliness. When my father was diagnosed with cancer several years ago, I was constantly approached by co-workers, friends, and neighbors, some of whom I hardly knew. With concern and kindness, they inquired about his health, his treatment and prognosis, and our family's adjustment. At the same time that I was dealing with my father's cancer, I was also dealing with my two-year-old who obviously had special neurological needs. I was baffled by the LACK of attention paid to the issue of my son. Very few people asked about my son's health, his treatment, his prognosis, or our adjustment. Society as a whole remains awkwardly silent about disabilities, especially cognitive disabilities. Very few people know what to say and thus feel unable to say anything.

Today you can buy a greeting card for many significant events, such as divorce, the death of a pet, an argument with your teenager, etc. There are, however, no cards dealing with our lives as parents of children with special needs. Although it might be emotionally difficult to read such a card, in a way it also might help us feel "normal" and less alone. Something like: "Thinking of you as you learn your daughter is disabled" or "Give yourself a rest today from the hectic demands of speech, occupational, and physical therapy."

I am not suggesting that we create a new section of greeting cards! My point is that there is a blaring silence about our world. There are few opportunities to read or hear about our lives and the lives of our children. This awkward silence results in more silence, which intensifies our sense of loneliness.

You have the opportunity to break that silence and gently lead us into the sounds of compassion and respectful curiosity. So often we want to talk about "it" but few people appear to want us to talk. You often will be the ONE person who will say: Tell me more. And then what happened? And how did that feel?

THREE: You have the opportunity to anticipate and normalize our feelings. You can prepare us for the challenges of birthdays and holidays. You can let us know that we will have wild mood swings and uncomfortable thoughts about "those parents" with normal children.

I vividly recall one physical therapist hesitantly handing me an article which described some of my son's disabilities. She explained she had had the article for several months but was reluctant to share it with me because I might cry. At the time, I thanked her for the resource. However, what I wanted to do was scream, "Of course I'll cry. This is not fun. It's okay to cry. Part of your job is to help me to cry."

Never underestimate the significance of your anticipation and acceptance of our feelings. It will comfort us during those long sleepless nights.

FOUR: You have the opportunity to help us re-enter the "world of normal families." Parents with special needs children never feel the same once they learn about their children's differences, especially when the differences are cognitive. We don't know how to squeeze back into the world despite the fact that we are in it. Going to a birthday party can be a major mountain to climb. You, as the professional, can create bridges back to the world.

I am reminded of the story of one family whose child had been in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) for several months. It was his time to be released from the hospital despite his ongoing special medical and developmental needs. The NICU nurse asked the parents to identify a few neighbors. She said she knew that it is often awkward for new parents to bring home a child with special needs. Parents often do not know what to say to family and friends. The nurse indicated her interest and willingness to phone a few friends and family members to explain the situation and offer suggestions for assisting the family. The parents were overcome with gratitude.

Some professionals invite parents to bring a family member or friend to a therapy session. It is often easier for the professional to introduce the information and to model how to talk about these sensitive issues.

FIVE: You have the opportunity to help us know our child. In the beginning, most of us know very little about the disability or special needs. We often can't even spell this new reality of our lives. You can model for us how to say the words, how to tell others. You can take us into our children's lives.

I had lunch with a friend whose child is multiply impaired, including a visual impairment. She had been feeling very frustrated, in part because she did not understand her son's world. The therapist suggested that she apply Vaseline to her eyeglasses and experience her child's world for an hour. It worked! My friend was thrilled to see the world through her son's eyes. This therapist had simply shared her knowledge. To my friend she had been given a way to fall in love with her son once again.

SIX: You have the opportunity to share books, pamphlets, and other resources. Take those books and articles out of your file cabinets and off the shelves and share them with parents who have no idea where to find the stories and facts about their children. It is very challenging to walk to the "disability" section of a bookstore or library. You can bring it to us and even sit next to us as we tentatively open those pages.

SEVEN: You have the opportunity to recognize and celebrate our victories. They are often too small for the "normal" population to appreciate. You know that the awful sounding "grunt" made by our child is truly a miracle. Only you know that a new movement is significant and indicates a renewed sense of hope. You can point out these grand milestones to us.

EIGHT: You have the opportunity to remind us how far we have come and how much we have accomplished. You, often more than our closest friends, know the details of our successes. Over and over, you can highlight those changes and celebrate the growth.

NINE: You have the opportunity to allow us those moments when our souls fall into deep despair. We will at times feel that we cannot continue for another moment. We will at times feel that we don't want to continue for another moment.

You can give us the space to be in that dark place. It is one of the greatest "interventions" you can provide.

TEN: If at times you can do some of these nine suggested activities, you will then have the opportunity to help us feel hope. We must feel hope if we are to get to our next appointment, or to face the next birthday party, or to use the words "special needs."

Effective partnerships between parents and professionals require collaboration. Plopped right in the middle of that word you will find the word "labor." Partnership is labor. It is hard work. You are the midwives helping us give birth to a new relationship. Let us begin.